I'm Scared

Yeah, I'm scared. It's the first time in a long while that I've been. Normally I don't let anything affect me or show my feelings but the most dominant one at that is fear. Pure fear.

Now, of course, you may be sitting on your cushy chair in the air conditioning with a frosty summer bevarage wondering "Why is Dizzy scared?". Well...Dizzy is scared because of how close he is to claiming a major part of his dream.

You asked me what I wanted to be when I was 8: President.

You asked me what I wanted to be when I was 10: President or Lawyer

You asked me what I wanted to be when I was 13: Lawyer or Writer

You asked me what I wanted to be when I was 14: Lawyer, Writer, or Software Engineer.

You asked me what I wanted to be when I was 16: Producer/DJ.

To quote a catchy and rhthmatic House song, "What the f*ck happened?"

Starting my Freshman year of High School I liked music. It was a casual thing to do, listen to music, study. I had a few token artists and genres as favorites. Mainly Hip Hop, Japanese, and Metal. But one day, on a fateful internet encounter (See the DJ Rant for full details), I discovered and fell in love with Deep House music. Before said encounter I knew of Electronic music's existence but I was never really BIG on it. Sure, I had heard of Trance but I never invested much time to it or really knew anything about it except from playing Dance Dance Revolution games. After my eyes were opened to the Electronic spectrum they came into focus of EDM (Electronic Dance Music). It started with Deep House, which escalated to House, which came to Drum and Bass, which fell to Trance, which then gave way to Dubstep. Pretty soon the Hip Hop kid became the kid who liked Outkast, Dethklok, and Snoop Dogg became the kid who liked deadmau5, Nero, and Flying Lotus.

For me, on the word of a friend, I had wanted to become a DJ ealier in my life. It was a dream. But I never got much from it. It could be just that, a hobby. I didn't just wake up one day and say "HEY! I want to be a Producer and DJ!". No, it was a long process mostly stemming from a life-changing event in my life: going to Ultra Music Festival.

A few months ago I wrestled with my own existance in this world. That existance was in a constant struggle between being there for friends or being kind. One that I thought I could settle with was making a girl who was a prominent figure in my life happy. Be there for her, love her, and receive her love in return. However, that purpose was broken since I can only see and depend on things from this angle. So, for a while I was in a turmoil with myself. What is my existance? What is my purpose? So, in a sense of needing to be ALIVE ("If you don't have a purpose then it's the same as being dead) I grasped onto one. And that purpose was music.

Music became the most important thing in my life. Listening to BANGING tracks, pracising my crossfading and mashing, and making music started to produce such a rush. It made me happy. But up until a while ago, fear set itself in.

Next year I am going to get the oppurtunity of a LIFETIME. A gamechanger. The proudest moment in all of my 17 years on this planet. And to see something like that realized...it scares the sh*t out of me. To be able to do all that I've DREAMED of...all that I think about...and the vulnerability of having the RISK of it not being accomplished...it scares me.

So, I sit on the eve of the greatest feat of my life expectance...happy...and scared beyond belief. Whatever happens, in August something either very depressing or magical will happen. And regardless I...will...scared...